A reflection on Ephesians 5:21–33 for Tuesday of the 30th Week in Ordinary Time.
When Ephesians 5 comes up at Mass, I know the line that will stay with people: wives should be subordinate to their husbands. I wish I could say I always hear it calmly. Usually I brace myself, especially when I think of women who have heard these words used to tell them to endure mistreatment.
Paul begins by calling Christians to be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. Then he tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church and handed himself over for her. That is a demanding picture of marriage. Christ’s love seeks the good of the beloved, even at great cost to himself. It cannot be an excuse for a husband to control or frighten his wife.
I can say that and still find the passage troubling. Sometimes I want to settle the whole thing in a few reassuring sentences so we can move along. But rushing past it would make it harder to hear the women who have reason to be wary. Their experiences are more important than my longing to feel comfortable with every word by the end of Mass.
In my own marriage, I can ask a simpler question: Are we making decisions with care for each other? It comes up in ordinary places, such as whose plans can change, who gets time to rest, and whether we listen when the other person says something is hard. Neither of us gets this right all the time. I know how quickly I can become defensive when I think I have already done my share.
I want our daughters to grow up seeing that love includes listening, honesty, and room for both people to speak. I also want them to know they can bring hard questions about Scripture into the Church. I still have questions about this reading. I can bring them to God without pretending I am the first woman to ask.
Lord Jesus, teach my husband and me to love each other with patience and generosity. Protect those who have been harmed by the misuse of your word. Help us listen to them with care, and give our daughters the confidence to seek relationships marked by kindness and respect. Amen.